#1091: Mr. President, Tell Me: What's the Meaning of "Carthaginian Peace?"

THIS IS A SATIRE

From a dream I’ve been having about a presidential press conference concerning Iran:

Flanked by VP Vance, SOS Rubio, and SOD Hegseth, POTUS held a presser the other day. There really wasn’t anything all that unusual or untoward about it; just him rehashing and ad-libbing on everything from how great the economy is doing and the “truth” about his sky-high polling numbers, to announcing that the Strait of Hormuz now belongs to America . . . which means that gas prices will soon be taking a tumble. He also spent quite a bit of time boasting (for seemingly the 20th time in 6 months) that soon, he would be completing a peace reaty between the U.S. and the Islamic Republic of Iran. In other words, it was just another head-scratching snoozefest.

As for questions from the assembled members of the Fourth Estate, they were, for the most part, as squishy soft as a Nerf Ball. That is, until one reporter asked questions that really got under the Fondling Father’s skin.

Reporter A.L: Mr. President, ever since we got into this war more than half a year ago, you have been telling the American people - and the entire world - that an end to the war is just days away. Let me ask you, sir: if this is the case, what has changed this time? Are there any new concessions the Mullahs are willing to make that were an impossibility last month or even last week? And if so, what are they now willing to give up?

POTUS: They are going to be giving us everything we want: a total and complete laying down of arms; an iron-clad guarantee that they will no longer pursue their nuclear ambitions; and that they will cede total control and all financial facets of the Strait of Hormuz to the United States.

Reporter A.L.: So if I understand you correctly, for signing this treaty, the Iranians will receive virtually nothing . . . except the potential cessation of bombing. If this is so, I have just one more question . . .

POTUS: And that is?

Reporter A.L: Let’s see if I understand this: is it our intention to engage in a take-it-or-leave-it “Carthaginian Peace with the Islamic Republic? Will this war ever end?

(At this point, POTUS turns and gives a quick raising of eyebrows to V.P. Vance and Secretaries Rubio and Hegseth - as if to inquire, “What in the hell is this idiot talking about?” Each man, in turn, gives their boss an imperceptible shoulder shrug, implying, “beats the daylights out of me!”

POTUS: You are really an idiot for asking such stupid questions. What is your name, and who is dumb enough to employ you?

Reporter A.L.: My name is Ash London, and I have been writing for Rolling Stone for the past 4 years. This is my first presidential presser since being moved off covering rock band tours.

POTUS: Rolling Stone? No wonder you ask such terrible questions; you don’t know the first thing about politics, history, or economics! Why don’t you go back out on the road and get stoned with some long-haired crazies?

Reporter A.L. I’m not going to wait for an apology from you, Mr. President, although it is my feeling that you owe me one . . . if not an answer to my very reasonable question. You see . . .

POTUS: SHUT UP! I OWE YOU NOTHING, JUST BE GRATEFUL THAT I DON’T HAVE YOU HAULED OUT OF HERE AND ARRESTED!

Reporter A.L.: Okay, I’ll go. But before I voluntarily depart, just three little things: First, that my colleagues continue this thread of questioning, and second, that you, who brag about your Wharton degree and refer to yourself as “a very stable genius,” explain what a “Carthaginian Treaty” is. And third: if you cannot define it, then someone from all the journalists and reporters assembled here this morning (preferably from the likes of MS Now, CNN, or even Fox ) do a bit of teaching . . . to you, VP Vance, Secretaries Rubio and Hegseth, and the American people as well I bid you a good day!

As reporter London moves towards the exit, the rest of the journalists begin applauding; first softly and slowly, and then rising to a cacophonous crescendo. The look on POTUS’ face is that of a man about to bust a gut. The three men standing behind him are as stony-faced as the anonymous bust of Antinous-Dionysus found at the Hermitage.

Reporter from MS Now: Why must you persist in treating us like dogs just because you either don’t like our questions or don’t know their answers? Enough is enough!!

Reporter from the BBC: Benjamin Bryan with the B.B.C., Mr. President. With all due respect, sir, we, the members of the Fourth Estate, as well as people the world over, certainly deserve to be treated with far greater respect, dignity, and honesty than you evince on any public occasion. Mr. London’s use of the term "Carthaginian Peace” recalls an important bit of ancient history . . . one which still has meaning to this very day. Perhaps one of my colleagues - preferably a Yank - might explain it in just a few words.

Reporter A.F.: Mr. President, my name is Arthur Fellig; I am an independent journalist whose home base is London. I am a bit of a polymath, meaning that I am somewhere between a good amateur and a true professional across a wide array of fields, ranging from science and literature to ancient history and cinema. It’s not that I’m all that smart; I was simply afforded a great, multifaceted education. Right now, and with your permission - as well as that of all my colleagues - I would like to spend a couple of moments explaining the term "Carthaginian Peace .“

The concept of a “Carthaginian Peace,” sometimes referred to as the “Carthaginian treaties,” stems from a time long ago, when the ancient Roman Republic and the Carthaginian Empire went through a series of wars. History knows these as the “Punic Wars,” resulting in a series of semi-official pacts or treaties. Over many centuries they became bitter enemies, signing three major treaties in 509 BCE, 348 BCE and 279 BCE In 146 BCE, Roman soldiers burned the city of Carthage to the ground and enslaved everyone who survived. Because the city was totally wiped out, no official peace treaty was ever signed. This means that technically, the wars never ended. To fix this, the mayors of Rome and modern Carthage met on February 5, 1985, and signed a symbolic peace treaty to finally finish the war after 2,131 years.

The First Punic War: Audacity and Hubris

From all this, the term “Carthaginian Peace” emerged. It came to describe a very harsh peace treaty in which one side gets everything, the other virtually nothing. The last time historians depicted a treaty in such fashion was the 1919 “Treaty of Versailles,” which ended “The Great War” (WWI) and created the League of Nations. It also forced Germany to accept full blame for starting the war. Thus, this lopsided treaty gave the Allies everything, the Germans nothing . . . except going a long, long way towards forcing the historically nationalist Germans to accept and then follow Hitler.

Perhaps, Mr. President, Mr. Vice President, and Secretaries Rubio and Hegseth, you can now better understand the gravity of our colleague Ash London’s calling the end of the war against Iran a potential “Carthaginian Peace.” You will only end the war if Iran gives in to any and every detail you put on the plate, and will turn a deaf ear to any and everything the Iranians might suggest.

Any response?

POTUS: Yes indeed. You can get the Hell out of my press room. IMMEDIATELY, YOU SMART-ASSED FRAUD!!! YOUR PRESS CREDENTIAL IS NOW INVALID, AND I WILL ORDER THE DOJ TO LOOK INTO ARRESTING YOU FOR TREASON. YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Postscript: For the rest of the day and far into the night, the terms “Carthaginian Peace” and “Carthaginian Treaty” were on everyone’s lips; both Google and ChatGPT shut down due to a cataclysmic flood of searches. Members of the MAGA wing of the House and Senate (anonymously) took potshots at POTUS, damning him for his attitude towards members of the press, his unpreparedness for war with Iran, his mishandling of the economy, his ego, his inability to tell the truth . . . and a thousand other things. By the next morning, rumors began circulating from the bowels of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue that POTUS had been whisked away to the Walter Reed Military Medical Center for reasons undisclosed. Next came a series of dismissals and resignations of A-level White House employees and appointees. By midnight the following day, handwriting appeared on the wall. It read “Hodie novum initium est.,” Latin for “Today is a new beginning . . .”

And to think it all began with the name of a place (Carthage) few people can locate on a map . . . (try the suburbs of Tunis, Tunisia).